The Innocents of Procyak

From what I’ve gathered, Procyak is the name of this Matrix.

And for a long time I struggled with depression, resentment, and apathy about being here. So far away from home…

For a long time, I was not healthy enough to endure daily trials of this Matrix. Mentally, I found so much of this world to be insane. Emotionally, I just couldn’t handle it. And spiritually, I remembered a better world — and honestly, I did not want to be in this one. Not in a suicidal way, but in an existential-philosophical-miserable way.

This world is not my home. In many ways, it’s been my hell. And it’s hell for so many others too. And remembering a better world while “stuck here” has sometimes felt like a curse.

And yet, there are still pockets of beauty in this Matrix. Things of deep significance and meaning, not to be taken for granted just because of everything else that’s going wrong.

This paradoxical nature can make Life On Earth amusing as much as bemusing. Deep spiritual epiphanies can occur when you least expect them, in the most random of places. It can seem so mundane, yet that’s also what makes it so mysterious.

Epiphany in Aisle 7

There was one winter day where I was walking through the grocery store.

As I eyed things on the shelf, I was contemplating the conundrum of my presence here in this world. Yeah, sure, for ages I was aware of my general purpose of being here to “help with Creation” during “Ascension” and all that spiritual jazz, but I just wasn’t feeling it.

I plucked something off of the shelf. Put it in the cart. Meanwhile my background awareness was spinning away as it usually does, half of my consciousness up in the clouds while my feet barely kept me planted on the tiles of the store.

Why did I really come here?

That’s the mystery that was processing in the back of my mind.

With much apathy, I nudged the cart over to another shelf. Eyed some things. Maybe there was a pause in my focus, I don’t remember. Because it just hit me. A mountain of awareness landed on me in the middle of the aisle.

I came here because God cares about the people here.

Boom.

That was it.

One of those spiritual lightning bolts that sparked all of my cells and left me with soul shivers, as I call them, feeling like my etheric body was floating out of my physical body.

The feeling of inspiration striking a fire inside of me.

It took some moments before I settled back into where I was standing. The awareness continued to process through my brain as I was standing there, while I pretended to stare at items on the shelf to not look crazy.

Have you ever been walking through the grocery store while holding back tears due to a spiritual epiphany in aisle 7?

This is how spirituality typically works for me, and maybe in general when people really get a hang of it and “live it.” Spirituality finds me in the least expected of places, in the most inspiring of ways.

It becomes a part of daily life — it’s what makes daily life manageable in this world, even magical.

A Forlorn World

And yet, this still is not my world. I left a Pure World for this world.

And the reason I did that is because … God Cares.

This Matrix is going through hell and even becoming hell.

But God did not give up on this place — nor the people in it.

And I realized if God cared, I care too.

My name, meaning “Honor God,” has been a mysterious thing in my life. It used to inspire me even when I was an atheist. Not that it made me special, but that it was so piercing in a way I couldn’t comprehend. Sometimes my name hanged over me, like I was falling short of it. I guess it defines me, and I try to live true to it, and feel bad when I don’t.

It feels really bad to not live true to God, and to not live true to God’s Dream for oneself.

Maybe this name aligned to me in this lifetime (I was told it could’ve turned out something different), because this lifetime is so much about me returning to my deepest spiritual roots — and my deepest purpose for being here. To care just as God Cares, settling for nothing less — and to work through all of the inner challenges around that, from confusion to frustration to anger at the way people can be.

Becase God Just Cares. It’s just a state of being of God. Part of the nature of God.

So the challenge is, can I care just as deeply? Not just for the sake of God, but for the sake of my own consciousness and how it expands me?

Can I care like God Cares?

It hasn’t been easy, I’ll say that much. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.

But then I’ll have these little moments in life, like that epiphany in aisle 7, or watching an act of goodwill, and suddenly God’s Care is right inside of me.

I could’ve stayed in my pure little world, all free and happy and unharmed by this world, theoretically contemplating about the horrors going on here and how “God will go make it right again” etc etc.

But that would not have been sufficient for God, nor my devotion in God. I wanted to honor something that God was focused on.

So across space and time I came to this Matrix. And while this will sound far-out to some people, none of this is as boastful as it sounds. If anything I feel cursed, not special. Really I’m just needing to talk about the experience I have endured. This is what’s real for me.

A Forlorn People

I know that I chose to come here, and then I began incarnating into lifetimes to understand what’s really going on here. Many of them painful lives, with great confusion and great loss, with much of the pain not being integrated in those lives. The pain “didn’t fit” in those lifetimes. So it all spilled over to be reintegrated in this life, through spontaneous eruptions and past life regressions. (The happiest life I’m aware of is that of a medieval peasant. Some days I’d rather go back there.)

This exploration of incarnations is how I came to understand what the people here are really going through. I had to become one of them.

Not assimilate into their world spiritually, but experience their world viscerally.

This helped me appreciate how the people here have not known a Pure Reality or Functional Creation for so long. They’ve developed so much trauma. They’ve developed coping mechanisms. The regurgitation of time has weighed on their bodies and souls, leading to age and illness. There is Evil afoot, vying for what’s left of their minds and spirits.

And God cares about them. Even the Evil ones.

But oh, how they can get under one’s skin, even the normal ones…

And yet, I came here to care. To honor God’s Care.

And to care less, is to fall short. And I have fallen very short at times.

Caring for Myself for Others for God

In An Aquareion Perspective I touched on how out of place I feel here, how I don’t fit in and don’t always connect with people.

It’s hard being in a strange sector of the Cosmos with so little connection. It’s lonely. I have deep connections to God and Aquareion, but being a Human can be lonely. I’m thankful for the handful of deep friendships I have with people who, overall, “get me” and can hold space for me.

But sadly, engaging with the KS World (KS Religion) didn’t help me anchor into my purpose nor overcome my challenges.

There are many good people in the KS World, yes. But the dynamics ransacking that world surprised me, and ultimately compressed the goodwill out of me and left me so frustrated. I succumbed to the worst traits I had remaining in myself. And there are some people who contributed or created those issues too, so it’s not “all my fault” and I will not take on false responsibility for those who evade self-responsibility. I left behind a world that is, in some ironic ways, in a worse state than “The Real World.” My being there didn’t make it better, and I’m not sure much changed for the better with my departure. My real life has so much more peace, joy, and lighter energy than I found there.

I realized that inside that environment, I could not care like God Cares. It was suffocating me. It was not an environment conducive to my deepest spiritual purpose and potential. Eventually I just had to accept that, instead of wishing it to be better or trying to fight it, which seemed futile.

So this wayward Matrix has taught me something new that isn’t so distinct in Aquareion: boundaries and disengagement.

In a Pure World, everyone co-aligns based on co-resonance, so disharmony can’t even occur. You just “bounce out” of something disharmonious and back into your harmony. It’s like a cork in water, you can’t push it down and have it stay there. You float to where you’re meant to be, and if you pass someone non-resonant on the way, there’s no frustration or ill-will, because there’s no enmeshment or karma or victim-victimizer games ensnaring you. You just “wave” and go about your harmony. Everyone is floating along contently.

“Over there,” I feel this process of “existential harmony” is very automatic. Because Creation is functioning on Eternal principles.

But over here… Things don’t “just work.” Especially when you’ve got your own karma or subconscious pain to work through, while others also actively exploit or abuse consciousness without working through their own karma and trauma. The cork can’t float up into harmony, because the waters are turbulent and the cork gets stuck in the eddies and currents and can get drowned by the overbearing energies.

So I had to learn I cannot get along with everyone here, and I simply wasn’t meant to. A part of me wanted to, but I was not meant to. Just because God Cares doesn’t mean they’re all my friends. Just because a subconscious part of myself automatically wants to care about everyone else, doesn’t mean there will be co-resonance, or even basic respect or compatibility.

So part of my growth here has been to consciously recognize the actual energetics of relationships and honor them as they are, especially without expecting them to be better or forcing them to be different.

I had to recognize and accept that all of these people are just themselves. And sometimes that’s inspiring and beautiful; and other times it’s alarming and not resonant at all. But that’s how they are.

And God accepts them as they are. I don’t think all of them are living true to God’s dream for them, but God still has Love for us when we fall short or deviate.

So, I’ve learned to pull back. Look from a bird’s eye view. This lifetime is about resolving the unfinished business of my own past lifetimes, and not getting too caught up with new people in this lifetime.

I never came here to take up residence. Nor to really mingle with the locals. I’m a hermit. I can’t handle tons of social interaction. So my role nowadays is really about integrating the hardships and lifetimes for whatever wisdom I can extract, and then writing it out to help others learn and integrate such awareness faster — faster than having to live all those same hardships themselves. (I feel I’m also an archivist, bringing this wisdom back to Aquareion so that others can know what’s gone on here. Otherwise it would just remain theoretical. But Beings need to know what’s being going on here and how bad it is — and also how beauty can continue to sprout up, like a defiant seedling amidst the concrete. It’s hard to extinguish God even in the darkest of places.)

My hermit nature has taught me boundaries, and to Let People Be — away from me. Stepping back and residing in my own peace is what has helped me see and understand everyone better. What they’ve gone through. How lost they can become in themselves. How much they hurt and suffer. And how, in spite the darkness, their happiness can still at times blossom.

This is how my compassion has magnified for them. From a distance. When I get too close with the wrong people I don’t have co-resonance with, my frequency gets agitated and I can lose hold of my best self. I’m just not meant to know everyone. (That’s God’s job!)

But I realized, I do have Care for everyone. Deep, profound Care. Even for the people who upset me or manipulated me or were not respectful. There is Care for them.

I care about the Innocents of this Matrix and what they’ve gone through — because God does, too.

There was another instance at a store, some years ago, where I became randomly emotional, reflecting on all of the innocent people around me, about whom I knew nothing except that there was a Spark of God inside them. It was a cherished insight but didn’t amount to much.

Then that winter day, the unsuspecting errand of walking down the aisles to finish shopping had suddenly become a transcendent experience, as I was hit with the epiphany which I needed in order to understand myself — and others — and God’s view of this world.

God cares about the Innocents of Procyak.

And whether I fall short or succeed, I came here to try to see what God Sees. Because there is value and meaning and purpose here, and the beauty that does sprout up is not to be taken for granted.

In Honor of God,
Timothy