For the longest of time on my spiritual journey, I did not even comprehend the concept of “a Higher Self.”
Then when I started to learn about it, I really did not trust my Higher Self.
I looked around at my life and saw all of these things that seemed like they shouldn’t be there, and I blamed that on this ‘higher’ part of me, who seemed to be thwarting little ol’ me. My HS seemed like something separate and distinct from me that didn’t properly care about me.
Coming to terms with my Higher Self has been a big part of my path. Because I, as my Human Self, hadn’t realized just how far my Human Self had roamed away from my Higher Self’s trajectory and protection, leading to the feeling of separation. I and my Self were living two diametrically different paths, but — thanks to the Laws of Nature of Eternal Syntropy — the Higher energy will always override the Lower energy, and that’s what happened to little ol’ me.
Over the last several years, my Higher Self has “had its way with me” in course-correcting my Human life.
2017: Falling Apart
This journey began in 2017. There’s much more to say about 2017 as taught in the Freedom Teachings (mentioned in the very first workshop from 1997), but this article is about how cosmic mechanics affected my own little life.
I was living out in Los Angeles, The City of Fallen Angels, and amidst the nice apartment and good salary, I thought I was happy … but I was not.
By the end of 2017 I was confused, anxious, and depressed. I had worked hard to get to where I was, being quite ‘successful’ in the film industry (fortunately I did not encounter any of the Satanic lairs), but nonetheless things began unravelling around me, out of my control no matter how much I gripped onto my sense of security. A major health issue had begun developing early that year (lending to lethargy, eye pain, and cognitive impairment, so I literally couldn’t do my job anymore or function on certain days) and by the end of the year, I simply couldn’t force my way through life anymore. I had exhausted the reserves of my Willpower.
A panic attack finally did me in. My Awakening began in 2012, so I was spiritually aware enough to know that it was time to give in, let go, and change things up. It freaked me out at the Human level (and my Ego didn’t want to let go of anything at all) but I surrendered to the waves that were washing over my Life, like the Pacific Ocean which I escaped to on long night drives.
2018: Dead End
One of the most eerie spiritual experiences occurred as the calendar flipped the page to 2018 and time was running out on my old life.
I could feel that I “had no future” there.
It literally felt like a dead end — that if I continued my timeline and my life in that city and the way I was living, it felt like I’d be dead at the end of it. I don’t think I would’ve physically died, but it was clear this path had terminated and my consciousness couldn’t exist on it any longer.
So I packed my things in a moving truck and took the train cross-country, to return to a simpler life where my Ego didn’t have to fight to maintain a sense of security and where my Body could begin to heal.
I had no idea what to expect and felt like I was regressing in life, but in actuality this opportunity granted me so much unforeseen gifts, from returning to my inner roots to working through family challenges, the latter of which proved very important in healing things so that I wasn’t left with even more unfinished business after this life.
The accretion of these last several years has been invaluable and I couldn’t have gained it any other way.
So I had to admit there was a higher/deeper force guiding me, beyond the best efforts of my control. My control had failed and left me floating. I needed to float for a while. To stop clinging to things. I’ve heard this space called “the void,” a sort of existential incubation where your consciousness can process its stuff and external reality sort of passes you by.
For the next several years, life would be about internal reality.
Reclamation
The way I describe this Quarter Life Crisis is that “my Higher Self reclaimed my Human Self.”
As a Human, I fell away from the path I was meant to live. And due to certain global mechanics at play in 2017, it just wasn’t possible to maintain the entropy of that path anymore. The entropy crumbled apart. I was pulled out of a dying timeline and “put back on track.” This was a phase where “life was happening to me” rather than “me happening to life.” It was designed to balance things out.
The years since have not been easy. It forced me to confront real, raw, deep spiritual work, as well as imbalances in my waking life and health.
Soon after leaving LA I had consulted a shamanic practitioner who helped me begin the process, but the intensity of the process soon took over beyond the scope of the session.
By late 2018 I had no choice but to lay in my bed listening to past life regression meditations on YouTube, in order to excavate the emotions that were arising from somewhere deep in my subconscious. This sort of stuff began bubbling up on its own: a strange, potent emotion or random flashback that made no sense. I had to surrender to these things and dive into them, instead of try to push them out of my mind.
Spirituality had “found me” and I couldn’t outrun it.
Actualization
If 2012 was my Awakening, I was calling 2017 the beginning of my Ascension.
But more accurately, I now understand it was the beginning of my Actualization. The Actualization of my Soul-Self into my Human Self.
And it’s not like I’m 100% Actualized, that’s still a work in progress. There are still deep things processing all of these years later. Less and less as time goes on, sure… But 2024 showed me that some of the deepest wounds were still lying at the bottom of the barrel of my subconscious, and it was time to fish them out too. (Not that I had much choice in the matter. Life fished them out for me.) The deepest self-discoveries had been saved for last.
All these years, I realize it was my Higher Self “working me” and guiding me and squeezing distortions out of me.
After God, my HS is my foremost ‘Guide’. I was an atheist back in the day before the New Age, and then when I “became spiritual” I was stubborn and avoided “guides.” (And for good reason: when I briefly explored “guides,” one of them was a Dumbledore-type figure who turned out to be an AI hologram. I could see it flickering!)
But now I can’t ignore what my HS has done for me — how much it has helped me. It was scary to let go of my grip on external reality and trust my Self internally. A big thing I had to overcome as things fell apart was my Ego’s fear for my sense of security or being able to afford things. Yet in retrospect, I see how my HS was always providing for me and granting what I truly needed, including financially.
At the Human level, this transition from Ego to Soul has been some of the hardest existential suffering and processing, but I was never truly alone or awash at sea. This is what I came here for, as part of my Tour of Duty. I could not have endured this experience as a Human Self if it weren’t for my Higher Self. I feel lucky.
Higher than I Can Reach
For some people, I’ve heard their Higher Self can have issues which they need to heal, from the Human-upward. But for me, it’s my Human Self that’s been a wreck, while my Higher Self always seemed like this ‘Noble Being’ that was somehow better than me.
Not that it had a superiority complex, but that I had an inferiority complex…
I was so physically unwell due to a confusing complex of health issues that affected my mind and feelings — and therefore my ability to process spiritual frequency and maintain spiritual stability — and it always felt like I was falling so short of my own consciousness. Not falling short of my own potential, but my Human Self falling short of where my Higher Self already existed.
Out of all of my traumatic past lives that I had to heal in this life, this incongruence between Human Self vs Higher Self integrity is one of the most taxing scenarios I’ve endured. Feeling like I could never be as good as a part of me already was. Forget external standards or judgements, I couldn’t even reach my Self. I felt like a disappointment to my own Higher Self.
I was falling short of something I already Was, and it was existential agony.
Return to Sovereignty
This is another aspect of why I knew I had to ditch the KS Religion and return to Sovereign Spirituality.
My spiritual path is about returning to my true nature, via unravelling and integrating all of the various pains, traumas, and distortions (untrue natures) which I’ve picked up in this Matrix.
The biggest priority in my path was to simply work to become as good as my own Higher Self. This has been the hardest Work. The greatest Surrender. The richest Becoming.
The Anchor of the Body
The Ego isn’t even the hardest part about this inner incongruence. It turns out the earthbody (the D1-D2 level) was the hardest thing for me to get a handle on.
My Body was so unhappy (so imbalanced and stressed and ill), and this caused me to feel so many things my consciousness wasn’t actually feeling, from false moods to extreme symptoms.
That caused me to behave in ways which were well beneath the finesse of my higher consciousness. It was insufferable, to know that I could be better than my Body was letting me be. That I was stuck at the lowest common denominator of my physiology, always being pulled down into density and entropy. My Body acted out on so many fears that my consciousness never would’ve bought into, if only my Body hadn’t been so tormented by them.
Since 2018 I’ve had to put a lot of effort into slowly bringing this Anunnaki-GMO Homo Sapiens meatsuit up to speed. Literally getting it to handle the speed/frequency of my own consciousness.
For the longest time, “I” felt caught between my superior Higher Self and my ailing Earth Body. Finally, all of these levels of myself have begun to bridge. My Body, Human, and HS are starting to work on the same page. There’s less distinction between Higher Self and Human Self, and more alignment and flow and cooperation.
Higher, Deeper, Truer
Something I need to touch on is that I’ve never been super fond of the term “Higher Self.” It is technically accurate, in that we have levels of our consciousness which are simply higher in dimensional scale than our Human POV. But I once liked to think of it as my Deeper Self, or my True Self.
It’s my Full-Spectrum Self: bridging me and Me.
We all have a full-spectrum of consciousness. And the higher levels, including our D12 Christos, work to guide our lower levels. My Life On Earth went through some very turbulent years, but it’s because my little ol’ life wasn’t congruent with my higher Christos intention, energy, integrity, and destiny. The turbulence was necessary so that lower things could fall apart in order to allow higher energy to anchor and stabilize my wounded Human Self.
Really, any Quarter Life Crisis or Mid-Life Crisis is the person’s Higher Self kicking into gear to ‘reclaim’ their Human Self and get it back into alignment.
The Higher Self reminds me of an inner sun, guiding us down here in the shadows of Density 1. If we roam too far into the darkness, away from our own path, that part of our life will die until we get back on the path our HS illuminates for us.
The wisest thing to do is to live true to our core Spark and Intent for your life, so that our higher levels don’t need to nudge our lower levels into place. But some of us have deep wounding that took over and derailed us. And some of us might need to learn wisdom the hard way, by knowing what it’s like to be so far out of alignment that you get kicked back onto your track…
To discover that if we wander of our own path and get lost in the darkness, there is something watching out for us that will reel us back in.
This Lifetime of Healing Lifetimes has been hard. But reuniting with my HS, and thereby realigning to my true spiritual track, has been rewarding in the end. The only time my life has ever really worked out is when I let go and let my Higher Self guide me. Even when things don’t appear to be going well, I’m grateful to know I’m in good hands between God and my HS.
These two have always had my back, even when I was not there for them.
I’m no longer living the way I was so many years ago, in the turbulence of what my Ego wanted, what my Body/Elementals craved, and what my Fear was running from.
Something I don’t think most people realize: when they “thank God” for various things, it’s usually their HS which arranged for those miracles to occur. It’s our HS which has its hand directly on the materialization of our life circumstances.
God adores us but is fairly hands-off, from what I’ve gathered. God set Creation into motion and populated it with Divine Individuations (us), so now we are the ones in here, guiding ourselves.
Being grateful to God is beautiful. But the next time something positive or miraculous occurs, it’s probably worth thanking your HS too.
God might have my back, but really my life has always been in the noble hands of my Higher Self.