2024 has been a year of enduring my most difficult challenges — physically, emotionally, and existentially.
But that has also made its growth the most rewarding, discovering shadows of myself I had lost to time, and which had long haunted me, obscuring a lost light I was meant to reclaim and shine again.
This year broke me apart so that I could become whole.
For a decade I have endured an extreme inner torment, concerning self-worth and lack thereof. I didn’t even understand the nature of this torment until recently, because I didn’t realize how little I was valuing my own spark of life the whole time. So normalized low self-esteem had become. I only knew how angry I got when others treated me the same as I was devaluing myself. Per the usual folly of holographic reality, I suppose these people manifested so I could see my own deficiency.
This healing path has made 2024 a year of relinquishing the victims who gossiped against my value to feign feeling better about themselves, of freeing myself from the narcissists who preyed upon my value for their self-gain, and of moving on from those who never saw my value in the first place.
It’s been a year of so many angles working to remind me of my own forlorn self-worth. So many angles … so many angels in disguise, I suppose.
Now, having worked through so much of that, this is truly the first winter where I have known peace in my Heart, Mind, and Head. For many seasons I have craved winter, because it felt like I could never surrender and release into stillness.
Now, I rest still at last.
And I pray others find and return to the intrinsic peace of their own consciousness. It is in this stillness where I have found my healing to become whole again. And when I wasn’t whole, it was in the pursuit of this stillness in which I found any purpose for living at all. I never gave up on myself and on knowing I could be at peace.
I lament the dark wisdom that not all will choose what’s true inside themselves. Not all victims will empower themselves. Not all narcissists will purify themselves. Not all innocents will appreciate the gold they’re made of.
But still, I pray.
Christmastime and the cold chills of winter anchor me into the wholeness of Christos and the stillness of Kryst. In the majesty of long nights I have found the True Light to be most clear — to be reminding me of what to turn toward and what to leave behind.
The rest of the year becomes just a challenge to uphold this noble commitment.